He gives and takes away...

December 2008

February 2009

Im not sure if I am actually ready to blog about this, but I feel like I need to mention it before I move on. On Sunday March 1, 2009, Tim and I lost another baby. I cant believe I just typed that. It still doesn't feel like this is really my life. I mean Im young and healthy, and I already have one healthy child, so why am I sitting here trying to figure out how I lost two pregnancies. Each day has been getting a little better but the pain is still very real and still very raw. I honestly thought that after having gone through this once, I was safe. I thought for sure God would give us THIS baby. When the dr said something was wrong I honestly and faithfully believed that my God would be mighty to save me. Merciful to heal my body and the baby growing inside. He did not. I dont know why He didnt. I dont understand why this is the method by which He has chosen to teach me and grow me. I do know that as of right now I feel like I am failing this test miserably. I am mad at God. There. I said it. I know what you are thinking. Im sorry that it hurts to hear that. It is the truth, though. I am hurt because I dont just believe He is real-- I KNOW He is real! I KNOW He has the power to have saved my babies. I know that He is the one that breathed life into my womb. So why did he take it away so quickly? I dont know the answers. I do know that even in the darkest deepest part of this pain I still love Him. I dont understand Him or pretend to be happy with this path He chose for me, but I do love Him. How could I not? He gave me my Katy. That girl is my world. She is the light here in this dark place. She is the reason I keep on going. She is more than any parent could hope for. I am just so thankful for her. In fact as I am typing this she is in the office with me pointing to my wedding portrait saying "Daddy marry you Mommy. You a princess. I get married too, ok, Mommy." She reminds me of the way things are supposed to work. She is my happiness. (And in case you are wondering what I told her about getting married...she is too little to get married and she has to stay mommy's princess until she is very big and VERY OLD!! haha) I just wouldnt know what to do without my Katy. She is helping me to deal with this right now in the best way possible. She isnt giving me advice on how to grieve, telling me it wasnt really a baby yet anyways, or saying dont worry, you're young you have plenty of time for another one....she isnt telling me to act like an adult and move on or telling me that its not right to be angry at God...no...she simply says "I love you mommy" and gives me a hug. She wipes my tears away and says "i make you feel better mommy". If only there was a way for her to know that she really DOES make me feel better. I dont know what the future holds for our family, but I truly hope that someday she will get to be a big sister, because I know she is going to be just as great at taking care of a little sibling as she is at taking care of her mommy. The thought of actually having another baby someday is the only thing that even gives me a little glimmer of hope right now. Each morning has seemed a little easier to get out of bed. The night time is still so tough, though because I just want to hold my belly and talk to my baby. It is sad to think that my body is now just mine again. Parts of me still dont seem to have gotten the message that it is over. My veins are still enlarged and well...other parts too...actually, I dont mind if they never get the message ;) (oh look- I just made a joke. That is good. It a little glimpse of me still in here somewhere...) I guess that just like my poor body, I need time to get the message, too. We are definitely going to take some time off before we even think about trying again. I have an appointment with my OB on the 23 to do a full workup to see what might have caused these pregnancies to end at the 5 wk mark. I just pray that someday we will have that excitement once again and that we will be able celebrate decades of birthdays with the next one. I cant wait to smell a little bald head or to teach the word Mama again. To hold that tiny hand in mine, to rock that little warm bundle in my arms. To feel a little kick in my belly in the middle of the night...even to be awakened in the middle of the night would be just fine by me at this point. I guess what I am trying to say is that the desire is not gone, just the baby. The dream is not gone, just the hope. One day at a time....one day at a time. Til then I will just enjoy the heck out of my glorious Katy. Oh what a joy she is. Tim had the day off today, and I really wanted to get her (and me) out of the house for some "normalcy", so we headed an hour south to Portland to go to Chuck E. Cheese. You know for about 2 hours I actually forgot (well....almost) about the agony I am going through and just totally enjoyed Katy's laughter. When we were back on the highway heading home I looked over at Tim and admitted "I can not believe we just lost another one. I really thought it wouldn't happen again." Tears started pouring...I was back in the reality of it all.

At least the pictures will help me to remember what a good day this really was. Beyond all the circumstances that are going on right now- I have a BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY HAPPY GIRL!

Watching Chuck E Cheese perform on stage...Scooping up honey bees with Daddy...
Riding the pony...

My favorite picture of the day...this is what I will choose to remember about my day today.

Stage fright? Yeah..right...

Katy schooling Daddy at the air hockey table

She LOVED this!! She thinks "hockey" is the black slider thingy! haha

Daddy teaching Katy how to Skee ball

So excited for the pizza to come. She actually ate....no thats it...Im excited because she actually ATE!!

Pushing the buttons....just stay clear of the purple one dear ;) hehe

I so wish the flash hadnt ruined this shot. They were both smiling--really smiling.

The cutest picture!! And... I totally wish I had one of those contraptions at home...Katy displaying all of her prizes and she dreams about her next visit to CEC. She was sooo happy to get to pick them out. Daddy was practically heart broken when she turned down the slinky he so desperately wanted her to get for the squishy pink worm! ;) heheh